The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man. -Madame de Stael, writer (1766-1817)

A fascinating quote by an author I've never heard of. I am in the middle of a Google search about her. Something I found...she seems very interesting. I'd like to see what she said herself... Hmmm, I wonder if the library has any of her books.

I finally made it down to the Getty museum. I've been wanting to go since I got here nearly two years ago. I will definitely be going back during the summer, there is still so much to see. Amoung many other beautiful works, we saw two Monet paintings Haystacks on a Winter Morning, and the Rouen Cathedral. (Perhaps it is a sign of immaturity in taste, but the Impressionists are my close to being my favorite painters.) It was so wonderful to be able to wander around these huge buildings, absorbing beauty in so many forms, never once feeling the ache I usually associate with the beautiful. Perhaps it was the company, or the novelty of being far away from school mingling with complete strangers...

The day is lovely, clear sky and warm. I am exhausted and I don't really know why... seeing as I have to work tonight, I am going to go to sleep for a bit...

Vive il Papa!!!!!


May God bless and guide our new Holy Father, Benedict XVI.

A week ago today, I was skipping class to take care of put-off-business. This week I have no such excuse...so now I have to go and read it... After I take my helicopter another 500 ft. Why are mindless games so addictive???

Life is strange and for some reason continues to change. Why can't thing settle for just a bit, say long enough for me to get used to them?

I spent this past week-end visiting with my parents and three youngest siblings. It was wonderful to see them, how much they have grown. (My baby sister, age 6 yrs, told me as we walked down to my dorm room from where they were staying that she had been told that I "like to read and listen to classical music." I don't even know if she remembers me on her own...) Mixed in with it all though was the feeling of constraint that I had come to associate with "being at home after the time I should be gone" that I had felt before leaving for school. I almost felt as if I had never really left at all...very distressing. Add to this the strange and almost unknown sensation of homesickness (something entirely unknown to me until very recently) and it made for a very interesting time of it...

Summer is four weeks away and every week has something going on... I look out at the time before me and I can see it slipping by. I am reminded of standing at the beach, my feet in the sand at the water's edge and each wave taking a little more from under me. The sensation of gradually sinking and feeling foundationless is eerily similar. I want things to stay the same for just a little while, so I can get used to them, can get my mind around them and see what is happening and where it all is going.

*sigh*

At the same time, I would not change where I am for the world...

Somehow I've gotten myself to the point of having to chose between semiar and all of the other things that I have to take care of (correcting month old student work, homework...

~ ~ ~
the door to my computer haunt opens and my evening of computer time vanishes... I am happy for the cause of its termination, but I am left with so much to do and no where to take care of it....

Reason # 736 for owning ones own computer: it is available when you want it... (is it just me or does this sound like the last reason?)

What is life?
At the moment it is realizing that even seemingly small choices have consequences and repercussions. And being the non-committal, procrastinator that I am, I really don't what to have to face these outcomes. I feel like I am looking at myself through a magnifying glass, both examining and waiting to get burned.
I have promised myself over and over again in the past (and not so distant past) that I would not be the cause of someone else's pain again. I've done with that, no more, not again. And yet, looking ahead at the choices I have to make in the near future, I can not see anyway to avoid giving someone disappointment and pain. In my own mind, I know what I am going to do when the situations arise, but I am almost sick at the thought of facing them. I am weak and scared, and all I want to do is run and hide.

Sunlight is fading from the hills
and I am trying to remember how to be happy.
Lines of shadow darken, color fades
I sift through memories
as so many recipes in an old kitchen drawer
looking for the one that will tell me
the ingredients I lack.
Cool air and quiet slowly saturate my haunt
and I grasp for words I will never utter aloud.